Dear Mentors: What do I do when my family doesn’t understand my career choice or thinks I’m “behind” on some invisible timeline?
Editor’s Note:
This mentee’s question gets at the age-old dilemma of internal versus external validation. Our peer mentors’ responses take slightly different approaches to getting family members on board with your professional choices, but they all agree on one thing: it’s your life to live. And if you are clear in your own mind about your choices, then you are probably on the right path.
Most of us know someone who has chosen a career path that doesn’t make them happy or fulfilled. The struggle can have far-reaching effects. But it is a joyful thing to witness when that person makes a pivot, embarks on a second career, or learns to define success on their own terms.
Let’s all resolve to find the joy that comes from following your own path!
Dear Mentee,
You certainly want your family and loved ones to understand your career choice. And you want them to honor and appreciate your pace and accomplishments in that journey. But that is not always the case. What do you do when it isn’t?
We know we cannot control how other people feel and how other people respond to circumstances. We can only control our own feelings and responses. Given that, consider the return on investment of trying to get them to understand your career choice or trajectory. You can certainly calmly and plainly explain your career choice and the challenges of advancing in your field. Explain that you love what you do and are excited to be engaged in this field. Explain that you hope they could share your excitement and support your progress. Answer any questions they may have about your job and your field. But if that excitement is not reciprocated, consider there may not be much else you can do to convince them.
So, what can you do then?
Add people to your life who do understand your career choice and trajectory. Join professional organizations (ahem…. WCA, anybody?!) that nurture and support professionals in your field. Engage with a mentor (WCA has a wonderful team ready to work with you) to help navigate tricky situations or career advancement. Attend meetups and other gatherings of folks who do what you do (or what you want to do). Schedule coffee chats with professionals who have advanced in your field and ask them to share their stories and journeys. Find volunteer opportunities to further engage in your field or expand your skills. In short, intentionally surround yourself with people who can be your “professional family” as you make your way in your career.
This does not mean stepping away from your family. This does not mean you do not love your family. It does not mean they are not good people. It just means acknowledging that, for whatever reason, this is not an area where you can find common ground (at least not right now). So treat it as an opportunity to intentionally surround yourself with people who do “get” your career choice and then lean into their support and positivity.
Dear Mentee,
I’ve had an unconventional career path. I spent much of my twenties living abroad, changed careers more than once, and found myself back in the classroom at different stages of my life. Some of those decisions didn’t always make sense to the people around me.
Along the way, I gained experiences that continue to shape who I am and how I work today. Yet because my path didn’t follow a traditional timeline, I occasionally heard comments suggesting I was somehow “behind.” My response was always the same: Behind what?
For years, I assumed being “behind” meant failing to reach the milestones everyone else seemed to be hitting–career growth, big promotions, buying houses, etc. Eventually, I realized the problem with that thinking. It assumes we’re all working towards the same goals. We’re not.
The choices I made were intentional, even when they appeared unconventional from the outside. Living internationally broadened my perspective. Career changes challenged me to adapt and grow. Returning to school helped me pursue opportunities that aligned with my goals. None of those decisions fit neatly into a traditional timeline, but each moved me in a direction that felt right for me.
Over time, I’ve realized that comments about being “behind” often reveal more about the speaker than the person receiving them. Most people evaluate your choices through the lens of their own experiences, but the challenge comes when we begin doing the same thing to ourselves. It’s easy to measure progress against external milestones and assume everyone else is moving ahead while we’re taking the scenic route. In reality, very few careers move in a straight line.
These days, I’ve found a more useful question to ask is: Am I moving toward the life I want?
If the answer is yes, you’re doing okay!
Dear Mentee,
Sometimes family or friends or even work colleagues don’t understand the choices you make for your career or have expectations about what you should or shouldn’t achieve according to societal norms, cultural dictates, or how it has always been. Your role is to objectively show them why you made the choice you did and what your vision is for your future. I know that sounds easier said than done. However, it is usually a lot simpler than it appears.
Here are some steps that might assist you in convincing your family that you’re on the right track:
Step 1 – Be sure that you know why you want to do what you have chosen to do. If you can come up with two or three really good reasons why, you have the basis for the story you will tell others. And they don’t have to be related to finances or good business. One of them could simply be that it makes you happy. If this is truly what you want to do, stand firm and follow your gut/instinct. Show them that you have a plan for your future (charting your career choice) and seek out people who can provide you with support.
Step 2 – Don’t get emotional or defensive, that simply makes it worse. Take a deep breath and consider why they might be concerned about your choice. Ask yourself, what is it about my choice that they might find difficult to understand? Do you think, their reaction is:
- Based on an expectation that you should do something that your family has always done
- Judgment that it’s not good enough for you or perhaps for them (societal pressures)
- That you’re not achieving as much as society says you should be by your age, or
- Could it simply be that they are concerned for your success and can’t see how you can succeed on the path you have chosen?
Write down your answers so that you have them as a reference.
Step 3 – Once you’ve decided what their reason might be, take each point and draft a response that explains why you have chosen what you have, asking that they give you an opportunity to show them, and that it will be easier if you have their support. However, don’t expect that they will agree. They have a right to their opinion, too. Your job is to explain as objectively as you can and stay true to yourself. Whatever you do, don’t argue with them. This is one of those times when you need to put on your objective hat. Accept the subjective/emotional feeling of disappointment, anger, frustration or whatever you are feeling, and then step back and develop a strategy for winning them over or at least getting their agreement to give you a chance.
Step 4 – When you are ready, ask them for a conversation with the request that they listen to understand and that you are happy to answer any questions once you are done. Yes, it may be a little scary depending on the people involved. The key is to ask yourself, what’s the worst that can happen and then plan for the best. Most of all, remember, if this is truly what you want to do, don’t give up, stay calm, and seek out people who can guide you through the process.
Got your own career conundrum you’d like advice on?
Then sign up for the WCA peer mentoring program. It’s free to members!
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Compiled and edited by Paige Booth
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